What I would tell you – an unsent letter.

This is a letter to someone I know, what I wish I could say to her.

What I would tell you:
When someone is talking and thinking about suicide,
don’t process with with her. Sit with her. Listen to her. Bring her food.
Don’t tell her why she is having this experience,
or that she is acting this way for attention.
Don’t try to solve a problem with her. She isn’t thinking like that.
Help her get help. Dial a helpline. Take her to the hospital if necessary.

You did all of those things for me, both the “dos” and the “don’ts.” I am grateful for all the ways you helped; I feel hurt by all the ways you didn’t.

I want to tell you:
I didn’t leave because of a conflict with another person.
I left because I was struggling with my will to live.
I left because no one should be told, while in crisis,
to “step into her power” or “to believe in possibility.”
My power was in leaving,
Not in staying.

There are many ways to grow, to lead,
to walk on this path of life.
I admire your commitment to yours.
I heard you say you wished different things for my path,
but my path is mine.
I would tell you this, I would tell you all this,
but right now, I know there is more power in writing this.
I cannot go back and wish myself into an empowered place
and stand for myself in those moments.

My strength grows more and more each day.
Perhaps sometime, someday soon,
I will tell you.


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