Surfacing

Recently, I was writing an e-mail to a friend and giving her an update on how I’m doing. I wrote that while I still struggle at times, my moods are overall improving. “I was in a pretty deep depression,”  I wrote.   “It’s nice to have more breathing room.”

Afterward, I was surprised by the word “was.” Past tense.  Am I still depressed? Perhaps, although nowhere near as deep. I say “perhaps” with caution. I am scared of falling back, falling down again  I still have heavy moments.  I am hesitant to fully re-enter the world at large.

At the height of my most recent episode, my brain was foggy, my ability to make decisions abysmal. I cried sometimes, panicked at others, and questioned whether life was worthwhile. I had a steady relationship with crisis states, and it was enough – and sometimes almost too much – to get through a day.

Now, I still have times where I question – how will I get back fully on my feet again and is it worth and maybe there’s not a place for me here – (Here, I use my mindfulness skills and take a deep breath).

At my best right now, I am cautiously optimistic.  At my worst, I lose touch with the things that keep me going – my art, my dance, my partner, the beauty of nature, my overall interest in creating a life that is truly mine.

I was in a deep depression where I felt like I was constantly underwater.

Now, I can almost always come up to the surface.  I have come a long way.

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One response to this post.

  1. closer’, thank you for your share, your transparency, your honesty. I felt it was all too much in September of last year. I can unconditionally empathize with your post. You have my support my fellow warrior.
    -Chris

    Reply

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