On anniversaries.

Anniversaries can help us remember, for better, worse, or in between. When my love and I celebrate our anniversary, it’s an appreciation of commitment, of the time and effort we’ve put into our relationship.

However, there are types of anniversaries that are less celebratory, reminders of times where grief, depression, or unpleasant events dominated. Those can linger like a bad taste in my mouth. I remember where I was at a year ago, and it’s a little like looking through fog. I couldn’t see my way then. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel the weight that I carried.

Then I open my eyes. I am not where I was a year ago on many levels. I am in a different state, on a new path. I can mostly see past my more depressive thoughts. Sometimes I still wake up with a heavy feeling and it scares me. I am certainly afraid of losing control again. At the same time, I feel more empowered. I’m learning how to approach my life – interactions, emotions, all of it – differently.

So now, even as I grieve that time and what I lost, I know where I am now. I may need to put up notes to remind me of this as the calendar turns to May. I will do my best to honor my growth, and my commitment to myself to keep going.

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