On re-telling my story with sensory details

 I’ve felt overwhelmed this week because I got more information about my vision, which gave me a deeper piece to the puzzle of my sensory experiences – not only do I have poor binocular coordination, but also poor depth perception.  This leads to a number of things, but in short makes it very easy for me to get overstimulated visually.  I’m grateful for the information, and it’s also a lot to digest on top of everything else I’ve learned in the past few months.

Sometimes it seems like I am re-writing my own story, my own history
I know more of the hows and whys,
What I thought were tantrums were meltdowns
What I thought was shyness were often sensory shutdowns – like being put on the spot in a class and freezing and ending up saying nothing
Startling easily if someone came up unexpectedly or from loud noises,
Disconnection from my physical body related to feeling out of place in space, to not seeing distances accurately, to seeing much too much of everything;
and from tactile defensiveness, which came across as a traumatic reaction to touch.
When I experienced sensory overload often, it built up and led to breakdowns, which sometimes led to physical illnesses or depression.
Cringing at loud noises, gagging at strange smells
It all makes much more sense now.

I find this unsettling. I am aware that it also has the potential to be empowering.  I have information that has incredible explanatory power, a huge light bulb.  A huge light bulb that could lead to a key to discovering how to create a good quality of life for myself, on my own terms.

However, I also feel a deep sense of sadness, of grief
for all the years I tried to push these parts of me to the side
for realizing how hard I’ve been compensating – both consciously and unconsciously – and how exhausting that has been.

Now I feel like someone is squeezing my heart.  I am tired.  I feel discouraged.  I want to tap into the empowering pieces of these revelations, but they are not present for me right now.  There are no immediate answers. I am doing a lot to take care of myself. I need time with this.

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