Fallen in-between

My anxiety explodes
my mind fixates
everything is as it seems
or not at all.

I breathe in the fire of
my own dragon-force
I rock the turn of my own waves
Do I dare go deeper?

All my causes and effects collide
I walk the truth of my own tale
the actress steps down,
mask worn to pieces.

I walk each step
piece by piece
this land, my body I create
this story, here, mine

These thoughts remain:
I could have been
I should have been
perhaps I am not

I have fallen in-between
that part of me would
have me dead with a prize
crumbling
in my hand

I have been in reaction
for so long

I am still standing
I am still standing.
I am still
standing.

– from June 2014.

I recently found my notebook I wrote in during my stay at the psychiatric hospital, and it included several poems. I made a few minor edits to this one, but it’s mostly as it first appeared in the notebook. Reading what I wrote gave me more insight to what I was experiencing then, and also made me realize that I did, at some level, know what was best for me during a time of turmoil and confusion.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Thank you for this accurate glimpse into anxiety. I often struggle to explain what it is like to have a panic attack, especially to ignorant people who think that I should be able to just “snap out of it.”

    Reply

  2. Very well written piece. Gave me goosebumps. XX

    Reply

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