I remember: knowing that what I had dreamed of, worked so hard for not only wasn’t working or healthy for me but also wasn’t something I wanted. I thought I had put all of my eggs into one basket. I believed that I had ruined my chances there and anywhere else. I didn’t believe I had a future.
I hadn’t ruined my chances for the future. What I had once thought was my calling in life didn’t suit me. I reached rock bottom and questioned my reasons for living. I admitted myself into inpatient. After discharge, I tried to stay where I was, but discovered that wouldn’t work. I retreated back to my hometown. I started doing Nia on a regular basis, got on a suitable medication, started DBT therapy.
Through time and healing, I gave myself hope for my present, and therefore hope for the future. Yes, my life doesn’t look like what I once imagined. I still hesitate when someone asks me what I “do” for a living. I sometimes have to remind myself how much I’m doing. I’ve come a long way.
I didn’t ruin my life. That was definitely a roller coaster of a time, and I wouldn’t want to repeat it. However, through those experiences and my subsequent choices I may have given myself another opening: a chance at a life that could be better than I once imagined.
I didn’t ruin my life. Nearly two years later, I am still here.