This moment of truth

I’ve been winnowing down the papers I’ve sorted through and will occasionally post something I’ve written in the past (again). I wrote the following after a truth ritual as part of a healing program in 2012.  

When I can’t see the looks in people’s eyes
I can see myself clearly.
My words feel a little sharper, a little louder
A little more exposed
I cry out truths I don’t want to hear

Even now, as I step away, I put my hands over my ears
Still seeking refuge in the solidity of proof
Instead of sanctuary in the stillness of me, myself.

I am so vulnerable in this light
Feels like someone peeling back my skin
Underneath these layers I can hold myself
But I don’t always believe it.

I can’t always
push so hard
fall so far
hold back
I can’t always fight myself.

I am so sick and tired of fighting &
hurting and pretending that
I don’t.
My filters and characters feel so old
I feel so old
and so, so young.

The truth:
There is more than one chance
to succeed.
I must stumble
to find the steady calm within.
I must feel how I do
Be who I am
Feel the energies all around
Until I can feel my own pulsing strong around me.

Crying, waves wash in and out
I feel a little more free
A little stronger
Exposed, and not alone

– Spring 2012

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