So grateful.

Yesterday, May 27, 2016:

I visit the river again. Seeing a school group of elementary school children going along my usual route, I take another trail. Heading north, then turning south. Crossing a small channel by balancing on wide branches and logs placed there for that purpose.

river spot

I walk until I find the spot. To me, it’s a place of ritual, located off a side trail that is well-shaded by the trees and bushes. The ground is slightly damp, almost marshy in places; the river has gotten higher at points this year.

I perch on the side of a tree and put down something that signifies a memory of the past. A feather, wrapped in string and fabric, small bead at the end. The original intention was to keep one and release the other. I released one the summer of 2013. Recently, as I was sorting through boxes, I found the remaining one and realized I no longer needed it. I remember the space where I attached meaning to it, a circle of women sitting on the wooden floor in a living room/common area of a Victorian style house. I think there was a guided visualization, someone beating a drum. Now, I thank that experience, the symbolic object, and what I have been through since then. And I let it go, figuratively and literally.

Last year during this time, I felt the anniversary energy so strongly: it had been a year since I admitted myself to the hospital for having suicidal ideations. I celebrated life and the choices I made to get to that point. This week, which marked two years since that time, I don’t feel as heavy. Those memories are certainly still painful, and they also have less pressure behind them. As time goes by, I gain more perspective. I continue to feel more at home in myself. I feel grateful, so grateful for my life.

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